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Request a sales letter critique

knowableknowable subscriber Posts: 6
edited July 2008 in Sales
Hi all,
I`ve never written a sales letter in my life. So, based on the input I got from a couple of sources, I gave it a shot. Would someone be willing to critique it and provide helpful feedback?
It`s pasted below. Thanks
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Company X
Anywhere, USA
Reader Address
Anywhere, USADear Reader:Need to Operate More Effectively, and Create Happy, Loyal, Better-trained Employees?"If all you have is a hammer, every problem is a nail!" In other words, if you only have one solution, then your problems can only be solved one way. Not very effective, right?
If
you seek a "certified solutions provider" to solve your business
problems, just remember, you`re the nail and all they have are hammers.
You wouldn`t buy a wrong-sized pair of shoes just because it`s all the
shoe store ever stocked, would you? Then why would you buy a
one-size-fits-all technology solution?
The right-sized technology solution saves you time and money. It frees you to run your business more effectively and efficiently.A business with the right-sized technology solutionoperates more efficientlyreduces costscreates happier, better trained employees who are better able to advance their careers creates more loyal employees reducing turnover and human resource costscreates more free time and money allowing the business to focus on:increasing its credibilitygenerating salescreating brand awarenessand developing more products and servicesIn the right hands, technology is the perfect tool.
I
am Joe Business-owner, owner of Company X. I focus solely on providing
executive Information Technology (IT) planning services to small
businesses so that your technology just works. I am a local business
owner with eleven years IT consulting experience.Why technology scares everyone!It`s
no big secret, technology change scares us because it`s different.
Humans are creatures of habit. We don`t want to change what`s familiar
because change elicits the fear response - fear of loss of wealth,
sustenance, kinship, and fear of harm. Oddly enough, change is the only
constant in our lives. Change is a big
unknown and nothing scares us more than the unknown. Just ask Stephen
King. He made a career out of writing about it.Ill-fitting technology damages your businessSo
what exactly about information technology scares us? The cost and the
complexity, that`s what. We fear that we made need it and not know it. We fear that technology will make us look dumb. We fear that we`ll choose the wrong solution and we`ll waste thousands of dollars. Bad IT decisions have bankrupted companies. Now that`s scary!
The good news? For the vast majority of businesses, IT works. It can work for you.Everyone can overcome their fearsDespite the accelerated pace of technological change, successful businesses understand that change is necessary and find ways to adapt every day.
CBS switched from radio to television and Apple just unveiled its
latest version of the iPhone (a far cry from their flagship product,
the Macintosh computer).
Were they afraid that their huge investment in the unknown would fall flat on its face? You bet they were. But...In the right hands, technology is the perfect toolYou can bet that everyone one of these businesses had someone they could trust
guiding them through the process of walking into that technological
unknown. Over the years, the titles have changed -- VP of Management
Information Systems, IT Director, Chief Information Officer, and lately
Chief Technology Officer.
But they all do
the same job. They guide and advise the company leaders through
technological changes that perform only one purpose -- help the company
reach its business goals. For most businesses, those goals are:increasing its credibilitygenerating salescreating brand awarenessand developing more products and servicesTechnology is too <fill in the blank>Technology
is too: expensive, complicated, disruptive, difficult, etc. Only
technology that`s ill-suited to the task is any of those things. Have
you tried removing a Phillip`s-head screw with a standard screwdriver?
Technology
is simply a tool. If you have the right tool for the job, then your job
will be completed more efficiently, effectively, cheaper and faster
than ever before.Company X does just that. I provide the knowledge and experience to help you plan all your IT strategy using my 5-step IT Strategy ABC`s:Assess existing technology: Audit your current systems.Build strategic focus for IT use: Ensure that the strategy fits the vision.Create Strategic Guidelines: Outline your principles for achieving your vision.Develop Architectures: Draft the plan.Engage Initiative and Projects: Implement the plan.With this 5-step process, Company X can fulfill your desire to have the services of a Chief Technology Officer for thousands of dollars less than it costs to hire a full-time CTO.Company X - Smarter ConsultingNow,
you can access all the benefits that Information Technology offers --
automation, reduced costs, increased productivity, and knowledgeable,
loyal, happier employees. All you need to do is call xxx.xxx.xxxx for a free consultation (a $200 value).

Comments

  • knowableknowable subscriber Posts: 6
    Ok, ignore that last post. I`ve completely revamped my letter. Here it is:
    ~~~~~~~~~Dear Reader:Want To Know 5 Simple Steps To Learning The Secrets Of Every Information Technology Strategy And Save Over $200,000 Per Year?In 2007, CIO Magazine interviewed hundreds of Chief Technology Officers (CTO`s) throughout the U.S. It discovered that 82% of them described their biggest activity for the upcoming year as "aligning Information Technology (IT) strategy with their business goals." The magazine also learned that most of these executives earn an average of $237,360 per year (but more on that later).
    What
    does that mean to you? If the majority of CTO`s who manage Fortune 1000
    companies believe IT strategy is their biggest activity, shouldn`t you
    feel the same about the role of IT in your business?
    But what does IT strategy alignment really mean in lay terms? It means
    choosing the right solution that will focus all of your technology
    assets on achieving one goal - moving your business forward. This is the essence of the right-sized technology solution and these 5 simple steps, my IT Strategy ABC`s listed below are the basis for every IT decision made.
    The right-sized technology solution saves you time and money. It frees you to run your business more effectively and efficiently. Here`s how:A business with the right-sized technology solutionoperates more efficientlyreduces costscreates happier, better trained employees who are better able to advance their careers creates more loyal employees reducing turnover and human resource costs...
    which creates more free time and money allowing the business to focus on:increasing its credibilitygenerating salescreating brand awarenessand developing more products and services
    I
    am Joe Business-owner, owner of Company X. I focus solely on providing
    executive Information Technology (IT) planning services to small
    businesses so that your technology "just works". I am a local business
    owner with eleven years IT consulting experience.Planning for change equals success
    Despite the accelerated pace of technological change, successful businesses understand that change is necessary and find ways to adapt every day.
    CBS switched from radio to television and Apple just unveiled its
    latest version of the iPhone (a far cry from their flagship product,
    the Macintosh computer).
    Were they afraid that their huge investment in the unknown would fall flat on its face? You bet they were. But...In the right hands, technology was the perfect tool
    You can bet that every successful business has someone they can trust
    guiding them through the process of walking into that technological
    unknown. They guide and advise the company leaders through
    technological changes that, as stated before, focus on one thing -
    moving the business forward. You can have what they have, too, for less money than you think.Technology is too <fill in the blank>Technology is too: expensive, complicated, disruptive, difficult, etc.
    Wrong! Only technology that`s ill-suited to the task is any of those things. Have you tried removing a standard screw with a Phillip`s-head screwdriver?
    Technology
    is simply a tool. If you have the right tool for the job, then your job
    will be completed more efficiently, effectively, cheaper and faster
    than ever before.
    Company X does just that. I provide the knowledge and experience to help you plan all your IT strategy using my 5-step IT Strategy ABC`s:Assess existing technology: Audit your current systems.Build strategic focus for IT use: Ensure that the strategy fits the vision.Create Strategic Guidelines: Outline your principles for achieving your vision.Develop Architectures: Draft the plan.Engage Initiative and Projects: Implement the plan.With this 5-step process, Company X can fulfill your desire to have the services of a Chief Technology Officer for thousands of dollars less than it costs to hire a full-time CTO.Company X - Smarter Consulting Starts Today!Now,
    you can access all the benefits that Information Technology offers --
    automation, reduced costs, increased productivity, and knowledgeable,
    loyal, happier employees. All you need to do is call xxx.xxx.xxxx for a free consultation (a $200 value).
  • SkipAndersonSkipAnderson subscriber Posts: 1
    Hi Michael.
    A few comments for you to consider:
    1. First a question: who is the letter going to? Who`s on the list?
    2. In general, I think the letter`s too long for a sales letter, unless I don`t completely understand the letter`s function (which I really don`t)..
    3. You`re opening question is two long and is actually two questions. Limit it to one to have more impact (less is more).
    4. Consider this possibly: Instead of driving them to call you (I don`t think anyone expects a consultation is a $200 value, do they???), what if you were to drive them to your website to download a free whitepaper. When you get the whitepaper, you`ve got their contact info and can follow up. Or, you can make an offer along with the whitepaper. (just make sure the whitepaper is valuable and not just a pitch).
    I hope that helps. Good luck.
  • DaleKingDaleKing subscriber Posts: 141
    Hi Michael.
    A few comments for you to consider:
    1. First a question: who is the letter going to? Who`s on the list?
    2. In general, I think the letter`s too long for a sales letter, unless I don`t completely understand the letter`s function (which I really don`t)..
    3. You`re opening question is two long and is actually two questions. Limit it to one to have more impact (less is more).
    4. Consider this possibly: Instead of driving them to call you (I don`t think anyone expects a consultation is a $200 value, do they???), what if you were to drive them to your website to download a free whitepaper. When you get the whitepaper, you`ve got their contact info and can follow up. Or, you can make an offer along with the whitepaper. (just make sure the whitepaper is valuable and not just a pitch).
     
     
     
     
     
    Skip, being a copywriter myself, I disagree with you on all the points you made. First of all, if you read the letter carefully, it`s obvious Michael is targeting small businesses. I also don`t think his sales letter is too long. In fact, it`s one of the shorter letters I`ve read. I also disagree with you about the opening paragraph having too many questions. Questions, if used correctly can be very effective. Questions help get the reader emotionally involved in the copy. The key is asking intelligent questions that will make the reader think, as well as demonstrate your knowledge and expertise.
     
    Finally, I disagree with you about the FREE consultation. That particular technique has been used successfully for decades, and is extremely effective. In fact, I`ve used it myself on many occassions with excellent results. The key is having the credentials to make it sound credible.
     
    Michael, considering it`s your first sales letter, overall it`s not  bad. I do have a few suggestions, however:
     
    1. Make it obvious sooner that you`re targeting small businesses. You can do that in the headline or the opening paragraph.
     
    2. Since you have so many questions in the opening paragraph, change things up a bit and make your headline a statement instead of a question. For example, Attention: Small Business Owners! Discover The Secrets Of Every IT Strategy And Save Over $200,000 Per Year!
     
    3. Add some testimonials. After all, without proof of performance, you have zero credibility.
     
    4. Add a guarantee. Guarantees are proven to improve conversion ratios. Guarantees also make consumers feel better about their purchase.
     
    Dale King
    DaleKing7/12/2008 10:34 AM
  • SalesCoachSalesCoach subscriber Posts: 0
    Hi, I would cut it down to something a prospect can read in 15 seconds max. Also, from direct mail/letters, you should expect about a 1% ROI.  Picking up the phone will produce better results.
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