Sales letter critique please

SERGIO

Hello fellow sun members, back for another critique but this time it’s for my newly written Sales letter which I will be Mailing and E-mailing


some questions I’m looking to get answered are



1.     

Does it Feel like spam



2.     

If you where a Kansas business owner would this letter catch your interest



3.     

Are my promotions tempting         

 






 
 



Has the economy affected your businesses growth? It’s Time to fight back!




You have worked hard to get your business up and running, don’t let the economy stop your business from prospering. Now is the time to formulate an aggressive marketing strategy.  You need to insure that when Emporia shoppers looks for a certain service or product your business is the first they think about, because if it’s not your business it someone else’s.




My business is direct mail advertising; we mail out a 5.5x8.5 publication “Store Front Magazine” to the home owners of Emporia (8,000). Advertisers get a full page and color for their ads and you don’t have to purchase the mailing list. Advertisements are not cluttered together so your ad won’t go unnoticed.   




My website has additional information. The website also has a forum for Kansas business owners and business start ups. The forum is there for the Kansas business community from Emporia to Garden City. On the website you can also advertise your business for free! Business Associates Online gives Kansas business owners a free webpage to showcase all their business details, add your photos, logo, hours open, address, phone number etc.






Some of our ongoing Promotions for 2009






·        


2  for 1 when you buy your first advertisement with us you get a second one free.        

 (that’s 16,000 Direct Mail ads for $1,000
)




·        


Community organizations & Fundraisers get free front page announcements for their events.




·        


New Businesses get front page announcement on the cover of both publications for 2 months with one weeks purchase.
(That’s 64,000 Direct Mail ads for 1,000)








I believe my services will be a great asset to your businesses success in these hard economic times.   




Thank you for taking the time to read my e mail and I hope you will give me a chance to earn your Trust and Friendship.




Kind Regards
Sergio Alvarez    
http://businessassociatesonline.com/

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djokaa

I don`t think it sounds like spam at all...it`s a well structured email to generate sales. I would include some more information about why your publication is unique, compared to others. Why would I want to advertise with you VS. your competitor? Are you cheaper? Better quality? Identify your unique selling proposition, and make that the focus of your sales letter.

nevadascul

You are not targeting a specific customer.  A lot of decision makers won`t waste time on a generic letter.  Learn something about the people you really want to sell to.  Then write the letter to them.  You might try reading a book by Dorothy Leeds called "Marketing Yourself."  It specifically addresses this type of letter.

SERGIO

Dear




Has the economy affected your businesses growth? It’s Time to fight back!




You have worked hard to get your business up and running, don’t let the economy stop your business from prospering. Now is the time to formulate an aggressive marketing strategy.  You need to insure that when Emporia shoppers looks for a certain service or product your business is the first they think about, because if it’s not your business it someone else’s.




My business is direct mail advertising; we mail out “
http://businessassociatesonline.com/








<a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:[email protected]">

SERGIO

Thank you for your input everyone
 
I posted a revised version what do you think?
Better or Worse?

SERGIO

Thanks for your input and the PDF link Craig. Ill take a look at it.

jasonburton

Try flyers and brochures for your business marketing needs, go see http://www.digitekprinting.com/brochures-flyers for quotes.

AnnJensen

Too much text - make shorter and simpler sentences that are more eye-catching.
And don't think that you need to tell about your company but focus on the customers needs - think from their side "What's in it for me?"