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30 Sec Commercial Critique

JasonGJasonG subscriber Posts: 8
edited January 2009 in Elevator Pitches
Ok, so I joined my local chamber of commerce about 3 months ago.  They offer the opportunity to do a 30 second commercial at all the networking events.  Well, I`m going to do our first one on December 11th at a pretty large event.  Well, here it is in it`s rawest and roughest form.  I`m looking for critiques, reviews, re-writes, whatever.... 
 



"Good Evening.  Thank you all for coming out.  We are The IT Support Department.  The IT Support Department is not just another computer repair company; we are a solution provider, specializing in supporting and managing home, small to medium business, and non-profit organization computer systems and networks virtually and on site.  We offer a full range of IT services customized to your needs at an affordable price.  We can be your very own IT department or supplement your already existing IT staff.









 















Our experienced professionals are passionate about the work they perform and take pride in every job that is accomplished.  We guarantee that our solutions will increase your businesses productivity and increase your bottom line.















Our professionals have more than 25 years of experience on various windows platforms.  Our Motto is simple:  Integrity.  Our goal is to provide cost effective IT management and support services while increasing your bottom line."







 
I can`t wait to hear from you all!
 
-J

JasonG11/22/2008 12:14 PM

Comments

  • WayneLiewWayneLiew subscriber Posts: 3
    Hey Jason,
    Thanks for sharing your little pitch there.
    You should try to explain what is in it for your audience rather than just stating all about WE WE and WE. I know that some sentences of yours have indirect meanings of adding values to your clients but you need something direct.
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