Business Proposal Review

cubemonkeycubemonkey Posts: 11subscriber
edited October 2007 in Business Planning
Hey all - I`m not exactly sure this should be posted in here so tell me if I`m in the wrong area.
Anyways, I`ve been getting lots of feedback in the website critique forum and I just recently wrote up a laid back business proposal to send out to local guitar shops in various cities. It basically just follows the "defining the dozen" questions to help me organize my thoughts. I know it`s not professional and thats the point! I do professional documents all day at work and I wanted this part of my life to be laid back and fun.
So please comment on the content and convincing factors. Thanks so much for your time!http://www.fretsforrent.com/BusinessProposal.pdf
Eric.cubemonkey10/22/2007 10:32 AM

Comments

  • CookieMonsterCookieMonster Posts: 0subscriber
    1. I think you need to rethink the first sentence. In fact, I insist you rethink it. I understand the feeling you want to convey but that sentence has different interpretations, some of which might be insulting to your audience.
    2. The rest of the document is good. I would want a more professional presentation of the numbers but that`s just me. Have you tested this with your audience? That`s probably going to tell you a lot more than I could.
    3. Consider making it a bit simpler - OR - have a simple summary in (1,2,3) format for people who just have a moment. Ideally this summary would get the to read the rest of the proposal.
    I like your idea so far!CookieMonster2007-10-22 10:41:18
  • cubemonkeycubemonkey Posts: 11subscriber
    Thanks CookieMonster. I`m not sure I understand what else it conveys? Do you have any suggestions on a way to change it or should I just get rid of it all together. I was just trying to say this isn`t a formal document I guess. I`ll work on it. OK great point. They will probably want to know exact costs and what it has been in the past. I can add a chart of figures and maybe that will be more clear than just writing sample data in sentences.Great idea, I can add an executive summary in the beginning instead of just diving into it for those without a lot of time. Thank you so much for the great feedback!
  • cubemonkeycubemonkey Posts: 11subscriber
    Agreed, I took it out to prevent further comments. Thanks for all the advice! I`ll try to get a executive summary in there tonight. Thanks for the compliment. I hope it works out!
  • robertjrobertj Tampa Bay, FloridaPosts: 0subscriber Member
    Hey all - I`m not exactly sure this should be posted in here so tell me if I`m in the wrong area.Anyways, I`ve been getting lots of feedback in the website critique forum and I just recently wrote up a laid back business proposal to send out to local guitar shops in various cities. It basically just follows the "defining the dozen" questions to help me organize my thoughts. I know it`s not professional and that`s the point! I do professional documents all day at work and I wanted this part of my life to be laid back and fun. So please comment on the content and convincing factors. Thanks so much for your time!http://www.fretsforrent.com/BusinessProposal.pdf</A>Eric.
    Eric,
    As a business proposal, I would suggest opening with how they will benefit or what "problem" you will help them solve. 
  • cubemonkeycubemonkey Posts: 11subscriber
    All - thanks again for the quick feedback. I have added a summary at the beginning. I tried to keep it short and concise on what I truly feel I can do for them. Any comments?
  • CookieMonsterCookieMonster Posts: 0subscriber
    Great work. The summary is good. I only have one general complaint - your writing uses passive voice and that makes the writing seem weak. Google "passive voice" and "active voice" to learn the difference. It`s important.
  • cubemonkeycubemonkey Posts: 11subscriber
    Great work. The summary is good. I only have one general complaint - your writing uses passive voice and that makes the writing seem weak. Google "passive voice" and "active voice" to learn the difference. It`s important.Thanks I will definitely do that. I actually recall learning that, I guess not very well though....
  • cubemonkeycubemonkey Posts: 11subscriber
    Hey CookieMonster, I rewrote it using active voice. I read 20% passive is a good document, mine is at 13%. Hopefully it helps. Let me know if you still think it needs work. Thanks.
  • CookieMonsterCookieMonster Posts: 0subscriber
    Okay, very nice and much more readable.
    Be sure and proof read it. There are some errors to clean up.
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