Business Proposal Review

cubemonkey

Hey all - I`m not exactly sure this should be posted in here so tell me if I`m in the wrong area.
Anyways, I`ve been getting lots of feedback in the website critique forum and I just recently wrote up a laid back business proposal to send out to local guitar shops in various cities. It basically just follows the "defining the dozen" questions to help me organize my thoughts. I know it`s not professional and thats the point! I do professional documents all day at work and I wanted this part of my life to be laid back and fun.
So please comment on the content and convincing factors. Thanks so much for your time!http://www.fretsforrent.com/BusinessProposal.pdf
Eric.cubemonkey10/22/2007 10:32 AM

CookieMonster

1. I think you need to rethink the first sentence. In fact, I insist you rethink it. I understand the feeling you want to convey but that sentence has different interpretations, some of which might be insulting to your audience.
2. The rest of the document is good. I would want a more professional presentation of the numbers but that`s just me. Have you tested this with your audience? That`s probably going to tell you a lot more than I could.
3. Consider making it a bit simpler - OR - have a simple summary in (1,2,3) format for people who just have a moment. Ideally this summary would get the to read the rest of the proposal.
I like your idea so far!CookieMonster2007-10-22 10:41:18

cubemonkey

Thanks CookieMonster. I`m not sure I understand what else it conveys? Do you have any suggestions on a way to change it or should I just get rid of it all together. I was just trying to say this isn`t a formal document I guess. I`ll work on it. OK great point. They will probably want to know exact costs and what it has been in the past. I can add a chart of figures and maybe that will be more clear than just writing sample data in sentences.Great idea, I can add an executive summary in the beginning instead of just diving into it for those without a lot of time. Thank you so much for the great feedback!

cubemonkey

Agreed, I took it out to prevent further comments. Thanks for all the advice! I`ll try to get a executive summary in there tonight. Thanks for the compliment. I hope it works out!

robertj

Hey all - I`m not exactly sure this should be posted in here so tell me if I`m in the wrong area.Anyways, I`ve been getting lots of feedback in the website critique forum and I just recently wrote up a laid back business proposal to send out to local guitar shops in various cities. It basically just follows the "defining the dozen" questions to help me organize my thoughts. I know it`s not professional and that`s the point! I do professional documents all day at work and I wanted this part of my life to be laid back and fun. So please comment on the content and convincing factors. Thanks so much for your time!http://www.fretsforrent.com/BusinessProposal.pdf</A>Eric.
Eric,
As a business proposal, I would suggest opening with how they will benefit or what "problem" you will help them solve. 

cubemonkey

All - thanks again for the quick feedback. I have added a summary at the beginning. I tried to keep it short and concise on what I truly feel I can do for them. Any comments?

CookieMonster

Great work. The summary is good. I only have one general complaint - your writing uses passive voice and that makes the writing seem weak. Google "passive voice" and "active voice" to learn the difference. It`s important.

cubemonkey

Great work. The summary is good. I only have one general complaint - your writing uses passive voice and that makes the writing seem weak. Google "passive voice" and "active voice" to learn the difference. It`s important.Thanks I will definitely do that. I actually recall learning that, I guess not very well though....

cubemonkey

Hey CookieMonster, I rewrote it using active voice. I read 20% passive is a good document, mine is at 13%. Hopefully it helps. Let me know if you still think it needs work. Thanks.

CookieMonster

Okay, very nice and much more readable.
Be sure and proof read it. There are some errors to clean up.